5 Dirty Little Life Hacks you Wish you Learned at Orientation

10.19.2018

Photo by Logan Gossett. Modeled by Karsan Turner

Words by Karsan Turner

Every freshman’s first semester at KU is daunting. You signed up for every interesting club at KU during Hawk Week, but now you have to figure out how you’re going to fit a Quidditch match, rock climbing and rowing practice into the same day. You also think Watson’s the only library and that Anschutz is a Holocaust Museum — it happens to the best of us.

You’re paying top dollar to sit in those creaky desks, so you’re going to want to take advantage of everything KU has to offer. To help you achieve this, here are some dirty little secrets that will help you maximize your first semester.

  1. Learn Proper Dorm Etiquette

Did you know…?
a) The floor in the bathroom is meant for walking on and not puking on?

b) Using Axe body spray to mask the smell of weed in your dorm room makes your room smell like Axe body spray and weed?

c) Not everyone on your floor is majoring in “Being Loud as Crap at 1:00 A.M.” studies?

  1. You Can Cuss

That’s right! You’re no longer under the tyranny of Mommy and Daddy, so watching your language is off the roster. KU loves freedom of speech! Your friends cuss, your professors cuss, hell, even I cuss! In high school, you’d get in trouble for saying “piss,” but in college, “piss” comes out of our mouths more than it comes out of our pee-pees. Swear on, sailor!

  1.  The Underground Exists

Now that we know college is cool for cursers, it’s good to know they have a hip hidden cafe. I fucking went my whole goddamn first semester at KU not knowing about this place. I wasted so many trips to Oliver “Shit-Hole” Hall to microwave my reliable three-course meal of oatmeal, mac-n-cheese and a granola bar. Once I knew about this place I shit my pants because the Underground only has one bathroom stall.

  1. Learn to Walk

This grinds my fucking gears, man. I can’t tell you how many students I dodge walking to class who walk on the left side of the sidewalk. You wouldn’t drive into oncoming people, so don’t do it on the sidewalk with your fucking feet.

  1. You’re not Sponsored by KU, Stop Dressing Like It

This is past infuriating: it’s just sad. In college, you’re the hottest you’ll ever be, and you’re going to waste this window of hotness hoping your first Tinder hookup’s gonna take you back to his/her place and rip off your Jawhawk buddy system tee? And throw away your drawstring sports backpack, what are you going for a hike? Stop wearing athletic shorts — you’re not my Dad doing yard work. Wear non-cargo shorts or jeans like a fucking adult. Stop wearing graphic tees every day. If you’re wearing tees, keep it simple. And don’t even get me started on KU attire at KU. Okay, you got me started: STOP WEARING KU SHIT AT KU. WHAT FUCKING SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO? IS IT KU? I COULDN’T TELL BECAUSE YOU’RE ONLY AT KU WITH YOUR FUCKING KU SHIRT, SHORTS AND CRIMSON AND BLUE LANYARD FUUUUUUUUUCCCKK — excuse me.

Send a presidential alert to your family and tell them not to get you anything KU related, or, if they do, just give it to the trash can.

So there you have it, 5 tips for every KU freshman. If you follow these tips you will succeed in (a) not throwing up on the floor, (b) walking, and (c) dressing yourself.

 

Heard on the Hill

10.08.2018

HOTH crop

  • “It’s so heterosexual, ew.”
  • “You’re always looking out for my spider health.”
  • Person 1: “He wrote me a letter. It was really sweet.”
    Person 2: “They’re always sweet when they’re in jail.”
  • “Here’s what I want you to think about: incest.”
  • “Whats up Johnny bravo you dumb fuckin’ bitch.”
  • “There’s no positive spin on leprosy.”
  • “Let that marinate on them asses.”
  • “Well she was kinda hot but she looks like a hot retard.”
  • “I’m a wench. Like, a pirate whore.”
  • “I hope you can get pregnant cuz i ain’t doin’ it for you”

 

 

 

 

 

Trevor Noah Offered Fun Food For Thought at the Lied Center

10.01.2018

By Sydney Sheldon

While a small segment of the audience at Trevor Noah’s Lied Center show on Sept. 22 might not have known what they were walking into, for the most part, Noah gave a performance that was an ease for the audience of just under 2,000 to connect with while also providing a new way to understand some of the difficult social issues in the U.S. today.

Noah started his set by talking about his day in Lawrence and what he had learned about the University of Kansas. He spoke of the hilarity of four barber shops in a row but not one of them cutting black hair. Noah said he likes to do a little research about each place he visits, and upon researching Lawrence and KU he discovered that the university had a major role in the invention of basketball.

“Imagine trying to invent a sport,” Noah said. “Having to come up with all the rules and deciding what kind of equipment to use.” He spoke about his first time at a basketball game where he didn’t realize how many times in one game a team could score.

“They made their first basket and I was like ‘GOAAALLLLLLLLL’ little did I know, five seconds later there would be another, and another, and another. It is exhausting being a basketball fan.”

While talking about sports Noah seamlessly wove the topic of kneeling during the national anthem into the set. “If you’re going to kneel at any event [the anti-kneelers] would prefer you do it at an unpopular sport like rowing.”

This moved the set on to the inevitable Trump jokes and commentary. Noah spoke about his conflicting feelings towards the president, because on the one hand, he wakes up every day and is scared for his life, but on the other, he knows that Trump will somehow make him laugh at least once a day.

Noah left the audience with his observation that white people love boats, the idea of patriarchy as a hotline a man can call upon any time he feels, and the advice from his mother that when you experience racism all you have to do is “shake it up with the love of Jesus and throw it back at them.”

Lawrence’s Best Date Options for Everybody’s Price Range

9.26.2018

Words by Nicole Mitchell

Graphics by Karsan Turner

Choosing a place to go on a date is tough. Especially when you think that you’ve seen everything there is to do in Lawrence. Finding date activities that won’t break your budget is even harder. However, they do exist. With that in mind, I saved you the trouble and compiled a list of things you may not have thought of when deciding what to do on your next date night.

Stargazing at the grove: If you live on campus, this is the best place to relax because you don’t have to drive anywhere. Bring a hammock or pack a picnic. FREE

Go geocaching together: If you’re new to geocaching, it is a community treasure hunt. Download the app or use the website and try to find treasure planted by other locals. Just don’t forget to bring something to replace what you take! FREE

Walk around the farmers market: Buy some veggies and make a meal together like you’re on a cooking show. Or just try out the food samples and look at the cute dogs that are there. Saturdays from 8 A.M. – noon until Nov 17th (824 New Hampshire St.) or tuesdays from 4 P.M. – 6 P.M. until Oct 23rd. (725 Vermont St.) FREE

Visit Dempsey’s Burger Pub: Wednesday trivia night and $3.50 pint beers! Enjoy answering trivia together and have a cold one. $3.40+

Sing karaoke at the Replay Lounge: Every Tuesday starting at 6 P.M. $2.50 singles and $4.50 doubles, $4 reanimator shots. $2+ a $2 cover fee

Final Fridays: Every last Friday of the month, visit Lawrence galleries, bars, coffee shops, and restaurants to view local made art. FREE

Attend a concert: Lawrence has a ton of places to watch shows. The Granada, The Bottleneck, Lied Center, and more. Visit a local show, your favorite band, or someone you’ve never heard of before. FREE – $50

Drink + Draw at Gaslight Gardens: Held every Thursday evening from 7-10pm. While it is a free event, you’re required to bring your own media (e.g., paint, pencils, and paper) as well as pay for any drinks you may get while at the Beer Garden. While the facebook page says that the last date is September 27, it will continue on as long as weather permits. Free + Media

Eat at the Sandwich Bowl: A casual restaurant located on W 6th St. with lots of sandwich choices. Whether you’re in the mood for a hamburger, a grilled cheese, or a club sandwich, this place has you covered. $8-15/meal.

Breakout Lawrence: Because who wouldn’t want to spend an hour trapped in a room with your loved one? $30/person

St. John’s Oktoberfest: If German food, culture, and beer interests you, Oktoberfest is just the right place to go. Entrance is free. Only September 29 from 4pm-10pm at 1234 Kentucky. FREE Entry + food and drinks ($25-$50)

Mass St. Fish House & Raw Bar: If you’re into seafood and want a nicer place to go to this is your place. While I’ve never eaten here before (I don’t eat fish), the photos look beautiful and the reviews are nice. ~$30/person

India Palace: This restaurant has a variety of indian foods within a wide range of prices. If you would like, you can get the palace dinner for two which is around $40 or the vegetarian dinner for two for about $36. Or get something completely different. It’s your life. Located on 129 E 10th St. $35.95 – $39.95

Epic Fun Center: It’s open 7 days a week with multiple activities including laser tag, mini golfing, and arcade games. This is especially fun if you want to have a competitive night with your partner. $20/person

 

Heard on the Hill

9.24.2018

HOTH crop

  • “Barron Trump’s not autistic he’s just a time traveler.”
  • “I’ve had microwaves and toasters mixed up my whole life.”
  • “I’m not doing much today, just Saran wrapping a car.”
  • “I still need 17 more shots to be where I wanna be.”
  • “Yeah, I had sex in a port-a-potty.”
  • “I’m pretty sure forking is sexual.”
  • “It smells like death is coming out of me.”
  • “I have some virginities I need to take.”

 

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