Heard on the Hill

3.16.2017

HOTH crop

  • “His hairline looks like Texas.”
  • “I am aggressive about peanut butter. You don’t fuck with peanut butter.”
  • “After a long day, I like to eat some roast beef…helps me relax.”
  • “Lightly parmesaned, bitter chortling. I feel like that’s who I am as a person.”
  • “I just ate applesauce with a knife, don’t test me!”
  • “You’re like a bath bomb but much cuter. And much less expensive.”
  • “My cat is staring at me and I think I like it a lot.”
  • “God, damn it! I just wish I had a dick so I could whip it out on the table.”
  • “I like how that restaurant assumes I know how to use chopsticks.”
  • “I can’t stop yawning. I think I’m addicted to air.”

How It Feels… To Be Sued By The German Government

3.13.2017

By Tom Quinley, 23, as told to Maddy Moloney

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The phone call was unexpected. I had just gotten back from Germany a couple weeks earlier, so the fact Manu Euen was calling was strange. He was my old roommate, an exchange student from Stuttgart, Germany who I had just traveled to visit.  “Did you download any movies while you were here…illegally?” he asked.

Gulp.

I had downloaded “Selma” and “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” using a file sharing website while at Manu’s home and put them onto his computer. Crap movies by the way, ones I never even finished.

Unbeknownst to me, Germany takes copyright laws very seriously. The German government was suing my roommate, on behalf of me, 1,800 Euros, which equates to nearly 2,000 American dollars.

That phone call did offer Manu some relief. He was happy he had gotten to the bottom of who had downloaded the movies. Under German law, whoever the computer IP number is registered to will be found at fault for anything illegal done using that web address.

Agitated, I told Manu I would handle it and had him forward me the legal document. Then I took the documents and copied and pasted them into Google Translate to try to understand what was going on. I remembered back to the last day of my First Amendment law class where my professor offered free legal advice to any of his students.

Penniless and with few options, I turned to my professor for help. He suggested hiring a German lawyer to get the lawsuit name me as the defendant instead of Manu, in hopes of freeing him from the mess and then making it tougher for Germany to get through the United States legal system.

So through odd jobs, involving the selling of my plasma, I scraped up $800 and sent it to a German lawyer he found online, who I was told not to contact. And just like that the whole situation disappeared. Neither my friend nor I were ever contacted again.

 

 

New Year, New Music

3.07.2017

By Justin Hermstedt

2016 ended over two months ago, and just when you thought you were caught up on that year’s music, 2017 comes around and brings a whole new lineup. There are truly no off-days allowed in the pursuit of good music, but we’ll give you a pass just this once. Here are a few albums you may have missed this year already. Now keep your ears to the streets so you don’t miss any more.    

Process – Sampha

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Sampha built up hype for his debut album through his collaborations with popular artists such as Drake, Kanye West, Frank Ocean, and Solange. Big names, one might say. Released early in February, Process is an intimate introduction to Sampha.

The first few songs reveal the pressure and anxiety Sampha experiences: “It’s so hot I’ve been melting out here / I’m made out of plastic out here.” This feeling builds until the fourth track, “(No One Knows Me) Like the Piano,” an endearing ballad dedicated to Sampha’s mother, who died in 2015.

The album has a very special way of finding highs and lows from song to song. The quiet songs build a desire in the listener for something danceable, which eventually comes in “Reverse Faults” and “Timmy’s Prayer.”

Process solidifies Sampha as a pop artist with unrivaled soul.

Plural – Electric Guest

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Plural is Electric Guest’s sophomore album, arriving five years after the commercially successful Mondo.

As in Mondo, the music in Plural is characterized by tight, dancy percussion and synth. Electric Guest seems to draw influence from, say, Depeche Mode and your common elevator music. Plural leans slightly towards the elevator music side of the spectrum compared to Mondo. Plural is notable for its optimistic tone. Songs like “Dear to Me” and “Sarah” are more smiley than we’ve seen Electric Guest in the past.

Although Plural is generally high-tempo, there’s still a hint of the uneasy brooding of Mondo, like in the opening track, “Zero.” The best new development in this album is a more diverse vocal performance, aside from the band’s signature mellow falsetto. Check out the surprising passion in “Back For Me.”

How it Feels… To Realize Your Internet Fame

3.06.2017

By Melissa Yunk

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Connor Wade is a senior at the University of Kansas from Burlington, Kansas. In early 2016 he started broadcasting on a social website called YouNow. A live broadcasting site. A few months later, after going live regularly and building followers, the site contracted him and the followers kept rolling in. Now, almost a year later, @itsconnorwade has collected over 1.7 million views and over 2,500 subscribers. He is considered a “content creator” for the site. This new-found fame hadn’t hit Connor until he had the opportunity to meet his fans for the first time at Good Times Chicago, the “largest creator convention in Winter.”

I get the call to go to Chicago for the “Good Times Conference” at the beginning of winter break and am shocked. I honestly have no idea why they want me on one of their panels. I know I’m not all that popular.  

The other 30 to 40 content creators attending are much more established than I am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored, but terrified at the same time. I realize it is a good opportunity to get my name out there and put my fears aside and decide to attend.

A few weeks later, the plane lands in Chicago on the Friday night before my panel, which is at 11 a.m. the next day. They even have a whole floor reserved in the hotel just for us….it’s wild. I can barely focus on having a good time though because I can’t stop thinking of the disaster tomorrow could be.

I set about nine alarms for the next morning, starting with 5:30 a.m., to make sure I don’t oversleep, thinking I would actually be able to get any sleep at all.

That next morning, they line the 10 of us in that panel up and explain that we are going to answer a few questions and then stand while the fans can walk through and meet us.

As I am standing between two YouTubers with more than 10x the number of followers I have, the worst thoughts run through my head. No one is going to be here for me. What am I even doing here?

By this point I am physically shaking and sweat is dripping off my hands. The security guard opens the door a million screams flood through…my heart sinks.

“Oh shit,” I exclaim. My friend looks over and assures me it was all going to be okay.  

From that point on it all turns into a blur. Hundreds of people are screaming our names, even mine!

As the audience starts walking through to meet us, I realize that there are people here that actually know me, and care about me. I have real fans! Some of them even bring me my favorite candy and gift cards.

Hell, one girl drove eight hours from Canada…just to meet me!

Being able to put faces to my followers gives what I have been doing a whole new meaning. They showed me that they care about me and motivate me to keep working at this and expanding my fan base. They give me hope.

How It Feels… To Perform Your First Autopsy

2.27.2017

By Mary Ann Omoscharka

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Almost a decade ago, Eva C. moved to Kansas City from a small Greek island named Chios, and began her pathology residency at Truman Medical Center. Only a few weeks later, she performed her first autopsy. This is how it felt.

I remember walking to the hospital “dungeons” where the morgue is, rubbing Vicks into my nostrils, naively hoping it would prevent the smell of the decomposing flesh from hitting me. My outfit wasn’t exactly the chicest, as pathologists almost look like astronauts to keep themselves and the body of the deceased uncontaminated. I wore my scrubs, a not-so-couture surgical gown, goggles, a mask and special boots. The temperature of the autopsy room was significantly low. “Am I cold or am I nervous?” I thought to myself.

The rest of the team unzipped a sizable black body bag, removed the corpse and placed it on the table. I do not say this with pride, but I was extremely relieved when I saw the body of a thin man. Everyone in our field knows that the higher the amount of fat, the more repugnant the odor. The deceased was a 54-year-old male with history of chronic alcoholism, smoking and malnourishment.

The first step was opening the torso by doing an extensive Y-shaped incision, running from each shoulder towards the chest, ending at the sternum. A massive pair of shears must be used in order to remove the chest cavity and gain access to all the organs. I picked up the entire organ block and proceeded to detach the organs from each other, so that their sections could be submitted for processing. Vicks proved to be useless, as it cleared up my breathing passages and made the smell truly unbearable when emptying the bowels.

Immediately after, we used a saw to open the skull. Another inappropriate thought passed through my mind while I was removing the skin from the bone. “It truly seems like peeling a ripe lychee” I realized. The brain was taken out and submitted for examination.

After five hours, the body was sewed together, cleansed and prepared to be picked up by the funeral services. The cause of death would be revealed during the next 48 hours.

I spent the following days thinking this was not the path for me and obsessing about my options. Nine years later, I have performed 65 autopsies.

Photography by Emma Creighton

 

A Beginner’s Guide To Male Skincare

2.21.2017

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By Logan Gossett

This one’s for the guys that struggled with endemic acne in high school; the guys whose hope diminished as the acne pervaded past high school; the guys who are engaging in a civil war with acne and acne scars. This one’s for the guys with dry skin; the guys whose oily skin resembles an embalmed sea turtle after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill; the guys with a sweaty forehead. Everybody wants perfect skin, and this one’s for the guys who don’t know where to begin.

Even guys who are content with cratered, neglected, and flaccid skin should use a daily face cleanser and an all-purpose moisturizer. Cleansers and moisturizers are the meat and potatoes of the face. Without them, a man’s face will essentially be meatless and potatoless.

  1. Cleansers

The first step is choosing a cleanser. The optimal cleanser will largely be determined by your skin type. Almost all facial cleansers are marketed for use by people with normal, dry, or oily skin types. Most brands additionally offer peripheral alternatives for people with combination skin, such as normal-dry.

As someone with normal-dry-oily-useless combination skin, Cetaphil’s Gentle Skin Cleanser offers an exceptionally well-rounded facial cleanse. I also suffer from rosacea, or “Flustered Santa Claus” face. Rosacea causes skin to flare rapidly when it’s irritated, which occurs with an obnoxious level of frequency. Men with normal-oily skin often see positive results with the CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser.

No matter which cleanser you choose, it should be used every morning and every evening before bed. Once cleansing becomes a habit, neglecting to cleanse will make you feel just as disgusting as forgetting to wipe. And, considering the facial fallout of acne that failing to cleanse causes, it basically is.

  1. Moisturizers

The second step is choosing a moisturizer.

When people are learning how to lucidly dream, they often perform “reality checks,” such as looking at their hands after walking through a doorway. These habituations act as triggers within a dream. Looking at your hand only to find 12 fingers and an eyeball with a monocle generally doesn’t happen in reality. Moisturizing is basically a reality check for skincare. Everybody should literally be moisturizing at all times. At this point, I struggle to wash my hands if I can’t moisturize them afterward.

Just like cleansers, most moisturizer brands offer products for each basic skin type. However, if your skin is easily triggered like mine, it’s best to refrain from an herbal or scented moisturizer. While they might feel soothing during application, they can irritate your skin and cause temporary breakouts and redness.

CeraVe offers an infallible selection of moisturizers. I use my CeraVe Moisturizing Cream (without SPF) more liberally than I use complimentary salsa at a Mexican restaurant. If you suffer from dry skin and can tolerate a scent, Dr. Lin Skincare Daily Hydrating Gel can be equally soothing and effective.

  1. (Optional) Sunscreen, Exfoliators and Masks

Sunscreen is invaluable, but it’s often neglected. Localities are beginning to provide sunscreen in public outdoor areas in an effort to mitigate damage caused by nefarious UV rays. Until sunscreen is universally available or the Sun dies, squirt some Anthelios 50 Body Mineral Tinted or Paula’s Choice Extra Care Non-Greasy sunscreen into your face before you walk outside. Many cleansers and dermatological treatments can cause increased skin vulnerability, making sunscreen especially important.

Exfoliators boast a healthy variety of methods, including chemical applicants (AHA and BHA), chemical peels, and scrubs. Cleansers can’t hoe all of the dirt buried in your pores. Chemical exfoliators like Stridex Maximum Pads and Skin Perfecting 8% AHA Gel Exfoliant are alcohol free, minimizing the irritation that exfoliants often cause. Overusing exfoliators can cause redness and rashes, but using exfoliators every other night can be a prerequisite for smooth, soft skin — which is the pinnacle of manliness. If you decide to regularly use an exfoliator, apply it after washing and drying your face. Wait five minutes, lather on some moisturizer, and your skin will look like an infant’s butt in no time.

Masks are what face care’s all about. Masks are both the cherry on top of the sundae and the sundae itself. Queen Helene’s Mint Julep Masque is a well-rounded mint julep option; Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay has the best product description on Amazon, “World’s most powerful facial,” and it’s a phenomenal clay mask treatment; then, if you feel like being a little bonkers, the My Beauty Diary Imperial Birds Nest Mask is a sheet mask that provides a feeling of unparalleled rejuvenation.

 Note: I did not expound on the minutiae of each product’s chemical composition, but, if you feel like doing some deep reading to accompany your deep cleaning, polish your skin and skincare knowledge over at the subreddit /r/skincareaddiction’s FAQ. The FAQ provides useful information about essential products and confusing acronyms, like AHA and BHA.

Another note: Burn = Bad. A seemingly refreshing sting on the face is actually your skin’s moisture barrier shattering. Neutrogena Men’s Invigorating Face Wash and Neutrogena’s AcneWash are caustic. The burning sensation is literally your skin burning.

Heard on the Hill

2.16.2017

HOTH crop

  • “When in doubt, break the law.”
  • “I feel like a goat on a stick.”
  • “LMAO, I broke into a house in middle school. I think I did it because I knew I wouldn’t go to jail.”
  • “I can’t tell you how many times the UDK has called me something offensive.”
  • “I’m boycotting McDonald’s because they made a larger version of the Big Mac and called it the Grand Mac instead of the Mac Daddy.”
  • “I don’t need good grades. The Bible said Adam and Eve not Adam and achieve.”
  • “I’m not really an early bird or a night owl, I’m some form of a permanently exhausted pigeon.”
  • “No, I never wash my hands leaving the bathroom. But I always need to dry them.”
  • “The black guy sitting next to me? I’m not trying to be racist, but it’s his birthday.”
  • “I’m basically addicted to antibiotics.”

The Model Designers Are Cautious to Dress

2.08.2017

Melania_and_Donald_Trump_smile_at_each_other_during_the_58th_Presidential_Inauguration,_Jan._20,_2017

By Anna Meyer

As the First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump has a lot of upcoming tasks at hand. She needs to pick out the White House china, focus on her chosen ambition to put an end to bullying and smile through all of the ceremonial duties that the lucky ladies of presidents get to do. When it comes to serving the country as not only a role model but a fashion model as well, First Ladies have been historically known (*ahem*, Jackie Kennedy and Michelle Obama) to set trends and create awareness for American designers through which designers they choose to wear.

But before Melania even got a chance to announce her inauguration outfit plans, designer Sophie Theallet tweeted a public statement after the election urging her fellow designers to refuse to dress Melania due to her husband’s racist, sexist, xenophobic ways.

Marc Jacobs didn’t even need to see Theallet’s tweet before declaring, “”I have no interest whatsoever in dressing Melania Trump. I didn’t see [Sophie Theallet’s] letter. Personally, I’d rather put my energy into helping out those who will be hurt by [Donald] Trump and his supporters.”

Lots of designers, including Tom Ford, Phillip Lim, and Derek Lim have joined Jacobs and Theallet and have all expressed disinterest in dressing Melania. But others, like Calvin Klein and Dolce & Gabbana, have said that they’d be happy to have a historical figure wearing their clothes. The opinions went viral post-election, and silent or neutral designers were being prodded by journalists and fashion enthusiasts to publicly address their stance.

To dress or not to dress Melania became the hot topic to write, research and inquire about in fashion news, and some designers were not having it.

“In the midst of this heated debate, the question actually seems somewhat irrelevant,” Cynthia Rowley told WWD. “She can simply purchase whatever she wants, so how can we control it? Just because she’s shown wearing a designer does not mean that designer is endorsing her, her husband or any of their beliefs. Checking someone’s ethical beliefs before they’re allowed to purchase, sets up an exclusionary dynamic that feeds into the exact mentality that is preventing us from moving forward in a positive direction.”

In the time since all of the drama began and her husband was sworn in as President, Melania has already worn designs by Hervé Pierre, Reem Acra, and Ralph Lauren.

Although it is easy to dismiss the style and dressing of the First Lady as a frivolous idea, it’s important to remember the tradition and pageantry involved in a presidency, and how the fashion choices made by Melania are no different, just as Vanessa Friedman wrote about for The New York Times.
“They paint a picture of the family that now represents the country, of their ambitions, goals and values, at a moment when the world is watching,” she wrote. “This time, the brush strokes swirled: not with accessibility, but with aspiration, and nationalism. A case of the emperor’s new clothes, or a harbinger of things to come? We’ll have to keep looking to find out.”

The Freedom of Going Braless

2.07.2017

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By Rebekah Swank

I’m a busty woman. I wear a size 36 DD bra. I started wearing underwire bras in elementary school and my back and shoulders often ache, which forces me to hunch over like Quasimodo. I have to wear a bra if I’m doing any kind of physical activity, otherwise the skin on my chest is painfully pulled and stretched. However, it’s a well-known fact that women love taking off their bras after a long day and I am no exception. Coming home after work or school and unfastening the clips of a bra—removing the constraints that have been cutting into your flesh for hours—is a liberating sensation.

About a year ago I forgot to put on a bra before a class. It simply slipped my mind. I realized as soon as I boarded the bus. It was awkward at first. With every swift movement and gentle jiggle I became increasingly concerned with who was noticing my less-than-perky chest. I considered making a run for it back home to strap the wild things down. Was anyone looking? Could anyone actually tell? Was it obvious? During the hour and fifteen minutes I was listening to the lecture, my apprehension gradually subsided. I no longer needed to fidget with my straps, or adjust the wire poking my side. I breathed freely and deeply. I went braless nearly every day for the remainder of the semester.

At times when I had to run to catch the bus or quickly hop down stairs I felt a little uncomfortable. I occasionally wondered if the jabroni sitting next to me could tell, and if he could, was he thinking about it? My under-boob sweat definitely increased. However, I felt free and womanly and confident. I’d had enough of the restrictions bras put on my body for a while.

I mentioned my new habit to my sister (who has a very similar body type to mine). “Ew, that’s too hippie for me,” she said. It was an unintentionally blunt comment that instantly became lodged in my brain. I hid my breasts underneath large sweatshirts; to be completely honest, I still do that most of the time when I choose to go without a bra. Something about the natural hanging of my breasts was unsettling. I wanted to bury them. They weren’t perky when I didn’t wear a bra, and that deterred me from wearing anything that would make it too obvious. I was afraid of being the hippie my sister (and so many others) judged, instead of accepting the womanly figure I wanted so badly to embrace.
I recently had a brief conversation with another staffer at a Style on the Hill meeting. We discussed our agony when we have to go somewhere that requires a more supported bust. We talked about how once you go braless, it’s hard to go back. She said, “you just have to get over what everyone else thinks about it and you’re totally fine.” I love not wearing a bra, so the scrutiny from others has become easier to ignore. As someone who has quarreled with body image and objectification because of my DDs, it’s challenging to embrace them without a push-up. When I don’t wear a bra, I love that I don’t feel constrained. I love that in some ways, I feel more beautiful with low-hangers. I love that I can own up to not wearing bra. I love letting my skin breathe. I love foregoing one item of clothing. I love the powerful feeling. I love being a woman, and I love being free of my bra.

WTF Is Up?! – Some Twins, Some Confirmation Hearings & More!

2.03.2017

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By Darby VanHoutan

The theme of the year seems to either be fake news or breaking news, but either way there’s news! Yeah, yeah, yeah you all have your own interests but let me nerd out about the ~news~ and better yet, deliver it here to you. WTF happened this week?

‘Yonce Delivers Blessings

There are a few instances in a person’s life that they will remember where they were at the exact moment they learned about a situation. I was sitting at the Underground chugging my sixth cup of coffee for the day the first time I heard Beyonce Knowles was pregnant with twins.
The news was delivered to me the same way I assume it was delivered to many others, via Beyonce’s Instagram announcement on Wednesday. The photo has received a record-breaking 8.9 million likes so far. The 35-year-old has since also released some ~life-changing~ maternity photos on her website, many featuring Beyonce and Jay-Z’s only other child, Blue Ivy.

Houston – We have a Secretary of State

It’s proving to be more manageable to keep up with the Kardashians than it is to keep up with President Trump. The president, who seems to be fulfilling campaign promises and breaking news every day, produces quite a bit to keep up on. One thing in particular happened for Trump this week, within his cabinet to be more specific.

The US Senate approved Trump’s pick for Secretary of State with a vote of 56-43. The pick is former chief executive and chairman of Exxon Mobil Rex Tillerson. An interesting thing to note: the number of votes against Tillerson is the highest against a Secretary of State pick in US History.

A little background on Tillerson: he’s 65 years old, hails from Texas and well, used to be in charge of the mega-company Exxon Mobil.

Thanks Obama

There are few people who are relaxed as former President Barack Obama right now. Or at least, there are few people who LOOK as relaxed as Obama does right now. First, Obama ventured to Palm Springs, California with the entire family. This vacay followed President Trump’s inauguration which officially relieved Obama of his duties.

This meant that Obama, luckily for us, could be a ~gangsta~ again. After his California get-away, former Commander-In-Chief headed off to the British Virgin Islands with wife Michelle. It was here that a twitter video shows him sporting a backward baseball cap and just…chilling. I personally hope this trend continues as the former First Family returns back to their new digs in Washington D.C.

“You’re Fired” – Catchphrase in Action

Unfortunately, news of a relaxed previous president must be interrupted with our regularly scheduled programing. In more President Trump news, the acting Attorney General, Sally Yates, was fired by Trump on Monday night.

The firing came after Yates, who had served as Attorney General under Obama, announced that the Justice Department would not uphold and defend President Trump’s immigration ban. The blow to Yates was delivered to her in her office on Monday evening in the form of a handwritten note.

Sean Spicer, Trump’s press secretary, then did a lil’ bit of lashing out at former Attorney General Yates who then, I assume, just continued on to ~boss~ things. The president replaced Yates with US attorney Dana Boente for the time being.

Heard on the Hill

2.02.2017

HOTH crop

  • Person 1: “You can do anything you want in this world.”
  • Person 2: “Except get paid as much as a man.”
  • “That gas station had no Cheetos. It’s basically an INconvenience store.”
  • “I told my mom I was gonna smoke crack. That way she won’t be as mad if I get caught for weed.”
  • “Don’t pee on me! Don’t!”
  • “I think she’s pregnant but hey at least I got laid.”
  • “I brought my Sprite bottle up with me, so there I was, sipping lean during my presentation.”
  • “Have you seen these? It’s Naked with 90mg’s of bananas.”
  • “He’s great but I hate that we can’t hold hands because of his arm diplegia.”
  • “I thought she was cool and then she posted a flipagram to insta.”
  • “My New Year’s resolutions are to be more straight up with people, eat healthier, and start getting fucked up at the pregame so I don’t have to spend money on drinks at the bars.”

10 Reasons Why the KU Memorial Union Has the Best Restrooms On Campus

1.31.2017

By Logan Gossett

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It doesn’t matter if you’re politically left-wing, right-wing, or libertarian-wing: everyone uses the restroom-thing. The census opinion is that restrooms are at least a “lawful neutral” on the alignment chart.

Restrooms are especially useful for KU students, and the most useful restrooms on campus can be found at the KU Memorial Union.

“What makes the KU Memorial Union’s restrooms so great?”, you might have asked (If you did, good question! That sense of childlike wonder will take you a long way.)

Here are just a few reasons why the KU Memorial Union provides the best restroom experience on campus.

  1. They Force You To Get Creative: Who hasn’t experienced this? You go to your nearest restroom to purge your tumultuous intestines and ALL of the stalls are occupied. At KU’s Memorial Union, the men’s fourth floor restroom supports four poopers at once — not a whole lot! Now you have to think outside of the stall. One creative idea for men is to employ the urinal. Clean your no-no area by angling your bumhole upward toward the espousing water that fountains down when you flush the urinal, like using a bidet at a 220 degree incline.
  2. The KU Memorial Union’s Single-Ply Toilet Paper Prevents Disease: Premium toilet paper is soothing and comfortable, which presents the temptation to rub it on your face after wiping. Gross! The KU Memorial Union mitigates this temptation by using single-ply toilet paper, which is harrowingly painful to the touch.
  3. The KU Memorial Union’s Single-Ply Toilet Paper Makes For A Neat DIY Snapchat Filter: Do you find Snapchat’s current filter lineup to be tiresome? Spice things up by draping a sheet of single-ply toilet paper over the camera lens before taking a stall selfie! The sheer, almost transparent toilet paper presents a charming sheen that’s sure to impress your friends (or lover). This filter appeals to the purists, and pays homage to the filters used by your ancestors.  
  4. The KU Memorial Union’s Single-Ply Toilet Paper Can Lead to the Early Prevention of Prostate Cancer: For the men on campus, single-ply toilet paper presents a convenient way to inadvertently check your prostate. When the 10% opacity sheet of single-ply toilet paper you’re using inevitably breaks, your finger will poke through and reach your prostate. While this may seem like an unwelcome mess for some folks, the reassurance of examining your unsuspecting prostate makes it well worth it!
  5. Pre-Wiping: Some students don’t want to roll the dice just for it to yield four occupied stalls. A few considerate, innovative students have began “pre-wiping,” whether it be at home or during a slow day in class. This cost-effective tactic, inspired by the Memorial Union’s single-ply toilet paper, saves scarce toilet time and keeps your hands away from your messy dookie parts!
  6. The 5th Floor Restrooms Promote Community Bonding: The KU Memorial Union’s 5th floor restrooms have long been one of KU’s hidden gems. Upon entering the men’s room, you can opt for the left side or the right side stalls/urinals/sinks. Upon securing a stall, you join a communal experience that rivals a KU basketball game or viewing a movie’s midnight release. You and your fellow left or right side companions duel against the opposing side in a battle of bumhole bombast.
    “I walked into the 5th floor stalls scared and alone, but I left with one thought: ‘This is where I belong,’” said one junior at KU. “That’s really what attending KU is all about.”
  7. Impressively Responsive Automatic Soap Dispensers: Similar to cooking and copulation, the worst part about visiting a restroom is the cleanup period. Fortunately, the KU Memorial Union’s soap dispensers are highly responsive and eager to assist you in the cleanup. Oftentimes these eager soap squirters volley soap toward you more uproariously and unexpectedly than an uncle’s sneeze! Their read-distance is approximately 10 feet — perfect for expediting the dreaded hand-washing phase of a restroom safari.
  8. It’s Entirely Possible That the Narrow 4th Floor Restroom Doorways Are a Good Thing Somehow: Sure, the narrow corridor leading to the Memorial Union’s easternmost 4th floor restrooms can make for some uncomfortably intimate contact with fellow restroom users. But pressing your body against the wall to make room for people entering the restroom doesn’t have to be all bad. Sometimes it’s only some bad! Studies have probably shown that close-quarters doorways have an off-chance of having some sort of somewhat positive social effect or something. Who knows, really?
  9. Automatic Flushing: While automatically flushing toilets are common on KU’s campus, the Memorial Union’s toilets are especially adept at the art.
    “I was just sitting on the toilet browsing Reddit,” a freshman at KU said. “When all of a sudden the waste I emitted was gone. A little splashback was left on my [bottom], but that was okay. I like to think of it as a souvenir. (laughs to the point of tears, which was kind of unsettling).”

The Memorial Union’s Restrooms Are a Safe Place: Nothing’s worse than entering a stall only to be assaulted by stall art, which often includes profanity! Yikes!
Once again, KU’s Memorial Union leads the charge to provide an accommodating environment for students of all majors, sexual orientations, and ethnicities. The beaded and glossy texture of the Memorial Union’s stalls prevents monsters from scribbling anything offensive.
Restrooms are supposed to be a bastion of cleanliness. Desecrating the place where people void their bowels with hate speech is wrong. The last place vandals should target is the restroom — where the bacteria-laden refuse of the human body is expunged. How can people possibly excrete the foul fumes of one’s intestines with disgusting images on the walls?

KU Freshman Jack Hatzfeld Turns Coffee Into Art

1.30.2017

By Justin Hermstedt

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On any given morning in Hashinger Hall, one subtle sound that breaks the silence is the hum of Jack Hatzfeld’s coffee grinder. Hatzfeld starts his morning with a cup of coffee like anyone else, but caffeine addiction does not drive this morning ritual. Hatzfeld is a KU student devoted to the art of coffee.
“Third wave coffee” is the artisan approach to coffee that Hatzfeld practices. Third wave coffee makers seek the highest quality ingredients and get them directly from their origin, whether that is Colombia, Ethiopia or any other coffee hub. Hatzfeld says coffee becomes an art form rather than a mundane daily beverage, when it is produced with the acute attention to detail that sets third wave coffee apart from Starbucks.

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“The quality of water, the temperature, the brew time—there’s so many variables that actually go into making coffee and it really takes a lot of skill and knowledge to be able to isolate those,” Hatzfeld said. “That’s kind of what third wave is about.”

Ian Walla is a coffee colleague of Hatzfeld’s. Walla says third wave coffee is like other drinks, such as wine and whiskey, only it is more complex. He says that he and Hatzfeld are drawn to the coffee industry partly because it is constantly evolving.

“As soon as someone knows everything, some crop disease happens in Asia and it totally changes the game on every front. And then you have to relearn everything”, Walla said.

Hatzfeld has done the best he can to support his coffee hobby despite being restricted by the size of a dorm room. Last fall was Hatzfeld’s first semester at KU, and the first time in three years he hasn’t been working as a barista. Hatzfeld is a product photographer for a few coffee companies, which means he is sent samples to photograph, helping his personal coffee supply remain stocked. Although he’s grateful to still be crafting coffee for his own use, Hatzfeld longs to be back behind the counter in a coffee shop so he can share his work with customers.

“Luckily, coffee is a part of my life right now because I am photographing for companies,” Hatzfeld said. “I get that every day. I wish I could give it to other people every day though.”

Hatzfeld began working in coffee when his other art form of choice, photography, led him to it. Hatzfeld worked as a freelance photographer throughout high school. He has worked at several coffee shops around Kansas City, but his first job in coffee was at a coffee shop in Gardner, Kansas called Groundhouse, where he often used to hang his photographs. The manager reached out to Hatzfeld to see if he’d be interested in working there.

“I started picking up some shifts at Groundhouse on the side while I sold my art, and then I started to realize that coffee was kind of an art form in itself,” Hatzfeld said.

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Hatzfeld is studying graphic design at KU. He draws inspiration for design from coffee work, and vice versa. Design is prevalent in the coffee industry through media other than the beverage itself. Hatzfeld is fascinated by the incorporation of art in the atmosphere of coffee shops, whether it is through interior design, graphic design, or the packaging of coffee products. Hatzfeld’s dream job is to be a brand manager for a coffee company, allowing his work in design and coffee to intersect.

Hatzfeld says we are in the midst of a boom in third wave coffee. He hears of independent coffee shops popping up all the time around Kansas City as demand grows. His father, David Hatzfeld, says his son is poised to take advantage of this burgeoning industry.

“Jack has realized that as the coffee industry is starting to develop and mature into a craft like microbrews in beer, he’s seeing it as an employment opportunity at levels other than at the retail level,” David Hatzfeld said.

Hatzfeld says most people view coffee as just a drink, but he finds art in it.

Jack Hatzfeld and his father share this artistic mindset, but David Hatzfeld’s interest is in culinary arts. Jack Hatzfeld cites his father as an inspiration in his artistic development in coffee, and fondly recalls extravagant breakfasts that his father used to prepare for their family. David Hatzfeld and Jack Hatzfeld see past the surface level of their respective crafts and obsess over details.

“He looks at coffee at a deeper level, and picks up the nuances”, David Hatzfeld said. “I would talk to my kids and tell them food is an experience, not sustenance. He kind of took that to heart.”

 

Photography courtesy of Jack Hatzfeld

 

WTF Is Up?! – The Media, the Women, and More!

1.27.2017

By Darby VanHoutan

WTF-Darby

Just because it’s a new year it doesn’t mean it’s a new us. Well, it’s not a new me at least. It’s 27 days into 2017 and I am just a bucket of L’s. However, I’m an ~informed~ bucket of L’s. You can be too. Here’s (a very short list of) WTF happened this week.

Viola Davis Makes Moves

Award season may have just started a few weeks ago with the Golden Globes, but actress Viola Davis is already making history. The South Carolina-native just became the most nominated Black Woman in Oscar history. This is exciting (AKA Yasssss, queen).

It all started in 2009 when Davis was nominated for her supporting role in the movie Doubt. Her second nomination came in 2012 for her lead role in the movie The Help.

Her most recent nomination came for her supporting role in the movie Fences.
This all translates to the fact that 59-year-old Davis is a bad bitch regardless of her skin tone, age or gender and deserves all the awards the world can offer. Another point history moment to note is that for the first time in Oscar’s history, a black actor has been nominated in every category.

The award show airs this Sunday.

The Exact Reason the Media Won’t STFU

A fairly certain way to ensure journalists don’t STFU, is to tell them to STFU. This is essentially what Stephen Bannon, President Trump’s chief White House strategist, just did.

“The media here is the opposition party. They don’t understand this country” said Bannon in an interview. This quote was precursored with Bannon saying, “I want you to quote this”, which makes what he said even better.

Based on this and other things said in the interview, it shows that Bannon is in agreeance with his higher-up, President Trump, who in one interview described journalists as “among the most dishonest people on Earth”. (If that’s true you should trust none of the information I provide you with in this column).

Bannon rarely ~graces~ the media with his comments, usually only providing interviews the journalists at Breitbart News, a website that Bannon was in charge of until about 4 months ago. Based on the bulk of what was said about the media in this interview, I’m sure they’re hoping he keeps that trend up.

My Kind of Mash-Up

Imagine if your best friend and favorite hunk got together and made a music video just for you. You’re in luck. Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik did just that. Well, I suppose the best friend and hunk analogy only works if you’re okay with a very strange sexual music video being made by the two.

Late Thursday evening, the two singers released the music video for their new song I Don’t Wanna Live Forever from the 50 Shades Darker soundtrack. Thankfully, the video features no clips from the movie. I say thankfully because sex-god Zayn and Taylor Swift need no accompaniment. Based on all the L’s we’ve taken this week, we’ll take this one as a W. Enjoy!

 

Heard on the Hill

1.26.2017

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  • “I hate philosophy. Apparently, I might not be real. God might not even be real.”
  • “You look like the kind of kid to be deadly allergic to peanuts.”
  • “Does W come before R in the alphabet?”
  • Person 1: “When I’m high, I can tell which lines in reality shows are scripted.”
  • Person 2: “That’s like the worst super power ever.”
  • “I took so many damn chicken tenders, like I filled my bag up.”
  • “Imagine if cotton candy had nipples and you mixed it, that’s what this strawberry milkshake tastes like.”
  • “The guy next to me smells like cheese, Gouda.”
  • “Why are you studying for that final? You already took it!”
  • “Damn! That boy is serious if he took you to the Cheesecake Factory!”
  • “Why do I have to get a turtle for your success?”

Glossier Serums: How Super are the Supers?

1.25.2017

By Rebekah Swank

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Well friends, I have been using all three of the Glossier serums for about four weeks now. Here’s how it’s been going…

I pulled up the website to order these tiny bottles of goodness ($65 worth of goodness) and the Super Pack was sold out. I got onto Glossier.com four or five days in a row before I could finally order it (I took this popularity as a sign that the serums were truly worth it). When my package finally arrived, it came in a clean white box. “The Supers,” was printed in small letters on the front. When I opened it, powdery pink painted the inside. I pulled out a page of stickers, tiny emojis and graphics matching those from the website on it. Then I saw a poster, a few informational and promotional inserts, and under it all were the Supers. All three of them. I have to give it to Glossier, their design aesthetic is very pleasing.

When I first began implementing the Supers into my skincare routine, I realized that I was not exactly sure how to use these bad boys. Let’s face it, this was the most money I had ever spent on a skincare product (maybe any item ever) and I did not intend on wasting it. I didn’t know how to apply the serums, in what order to use them, or how they would react with my other skincare products. I tried searching online, but all I found were reviews and articles describing the serums. Then I realized something: Glossier is all about personalized and individual skincare and makeup. These products are gentle and natural so that they can fit into anyone’s routine. I am the one who decides how to use the serums. I make the decision on how to fit the serums into my daily routine. So that’s what I did. However, one thing became very clear during my research: one should never use a serum more than once per day. They are extremely concentrated.

Here’s how I incorporated them into my skincare routine. Every morning I wake up and use a tough cleanser with benzoyl peroxide and apply that with a Clarisonic brush. Immediately following, I use a gentle foaming cleanser from Aveeno. After I dry my face,  I apply a pore-shrinking toner to my face and neck with a cotton round. Then come the serums. I squeeze a drop of Super Glow on my forehead and both cheeks. I rub it into my skin, spreading it upward and outward. I do the same thing with Super Pure, and follow it with an oil-free moisturizer with SPF 15. I do nearly the same routine at night, and after toner I use Super Bounce (I usually rub this one over my lips and under my eyes too) followed by Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus moisturizer. Beauty is pain, right?

Since I have been using the serums, I see small changes in my complexion. My skin is extremely soft and smooth. I can definitely see Super Bounce at work. I think it is my favorite so far, especially due to its milky texture. I still have yet to see major changes in the brightness of my skin, and my breakouts have persisted. Perhaps, Super Glow and Super Pure need more time to take effect. All three of the serums feel light and clean on my skin, and they never feel slimy or heavy.

Overall I’m liking, not ~*loving*~, the results. Stay tuned for the final review in four weeks. TTYL <3

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My Final Thoughts on Tomi Lahren

1.24.2017

By Ellie Milton

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I am a liberal, and I admire Tomi Lahren. Yes, you read that right. Tomi Lahren, for those of you who don’t know of her, is the host of Tomi, a talk show on the TheBlaze network. A political commentator best known for her Final Thoughts segment on her show, Tomi has been the target of immense criticism as well as a large amount of praise as clips of Final Thoughts have circulated social media platforms this year. Tomi’s political beliefs and mine could not be more different; she has expressed her opposition to feminism, is opposed to the Black Lives Matter movement, and constantly refers to liberals as “special snowflakes” (a new term coined to label liberal individuals as sensitive, entitled, and “unique” beings) as well as openly expressing her disagreement with any and all democratic ideologies. As a self-proclaimed liberal feminist, many would think I would despise Tomi and her outspokenness; however, I consider Tomi a great role model for millennial women.

No, this isn’t a satirical article. I did use to hate Tomi with a fiery passion. I considered her entitled and out-of-touch with reality, as many people still view her. However, as I have continued to watch her show, follow her on social media, and examine her professional life, I have developed admiration for Tomi. Although we disagree on almost everything when it comes to politics, Tomi’s pure passion for what she believes and the unapologetic way she stands up for herself is the epitome of a strong, empowering womanhood, and that is something I respect immensely. Tomi is a prime example of not apologizing for who you are; she knows what she believes and she is unwilling to change who she is simply because she receives backlash. Her debate with Trevor Noah on The Daily Show exhibited poise, professionalism, and passion. She has spoken out several times about the importance of having conversations with those who disagree with you, and frequently notes that whether the viewer is agreeing or disagreeing with her, they are still reacting to it and that is what is important.

Although Tomi’s beliefs are pretty much the exact opposite of mine, looking at her as a fellow educated and empowered woman instead of an enemy showed me that it is extremely important for “open-mindedness” to not solely extend to those on the side of your own political ideologies. Too often, I witness individuals, who claim to be open-minded, refusing to respect, listen to, or understand opposing opinions. Observing only opinions that coincide with your own is not only hindering to your personal knowledge, but it impedes any attempt to gain respect from those who disagree with you. Tomi is an extremely successful and educated young woman, and her confidence, knowledge, outspokenness, and ability to laugh at herself is something we should all take notes on when it comes to publicly expressing our political viewpoints.

I am a Democrat. I am a feminist. I would probably fall into Tomi’s definition of a “snowflake” for supporting certain policies. I support Black Lives Matter, I voted for Hillary, and the thought of Donald Trump being president makes me feel like Michael Scott did when Toby came back to Dunder Mifflin. I also find the twitter memes about Tomi pretty funny, but I’d like to think Tomi does too. All these things aside, I respect Tomi Lahren and her opinions. I consider Tomi a role model. I think Tomi’s confidence is incredible, as is her pettiness on twitter. We may not agree on much, but I think Tomi and I would agree on one thing: there are few things more important than having confidence in your beliefs. And those, America, are my final thoughts.

KU Improv Entertains Off the Top of Their Head

1.23.2017

By Justin Hermstedt

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Last spring, Teagan Fitzpatrick founded KU Improv. In its second semester, the group grew and garnered a consistent following at its many performances.

John Pace, a freshman from Olathe, joined KU Improv last fall. He’s been doing improv for a few years.

“It’s pretty much ‘acting without a script,’ to put it in three words… or four words. I can count; I swear,” Pace said.

Although the club is young, it pulls around 10 to 20 people at the average show. Those are solid numbers for a comedy startup, whose existence might not be known of by the majority of students.

Style on the Hill went to check out their last show of the fall semester, and KU improv brought the comedic heat.

This semester, be sure to support the good people at KU improv. It’ll be a merry (and free) time, especially if you like memes and/or muppet impressions.

 

Heard on the Hill

1.19.2017

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  • “I have all break to grade your research papers and cry.”
  • “I just, like, relate to the Grinch on such a personal level.”
  • “My liver seriously hates me right now.”
  • “Ugh, if I ever meet Charlie Brown I might cry.”
  • “I though Queen Latifah and Whoopi Goldberg were the same person.”
  • “He is a practiced, licensed piece of shit.”
  • “What’s a dance party if you don’t throw up pizza?”
  • “He always looks like he did a face swap with a worse version of himself.”
  • “Which is more lit? Anschutz during finals week or the Hawk on dollar night?”
  • “A guy with 3 Mountain Dews and longboard just walked past me, why aren’t we dating?”

WTF Happened in 2016?!

12.31.2016

WTF-Darby

By Darby VanHoutan

I remember waking up 364 days ago and thinking “this is my year”. SPOILER ALERT: I was astonishingly incorrect. I face planted more times than I can count, slept through an embarrassing amount of classes and worst of all – Brad and Angelina broke up.

It’s almost painful to look back on the year we’ve had but I assure you it’s amusing. Of course the year 2016 is not to blame for the L’s the world took because many of them were our own doing. However, it would be nice in the future to have at least as many W’s. Here’s a short list providing only an overview of WTF happened this year.

  1. Actress, Author and spokesperson for mental illness Carrie Fisher died.
  2. Ohio State University suffered a school attack.
  3. John Legend and Chrissy Teigen had baby Luna.
  4. Beyonce gave the world the visual album LEMONADE.
  5. Leonardo DiCaprio won his first ~freakin’~ Oscar.
  6. Ryan Lochte colored his hair blonde.
  7. Ryan Lochte colored his hair back to brown.
  8. Netflix gave us Stranger Things.
  9. Britain voted to leave the European Union.
  10. The United States elected Donald. Trump. As. President.
  11. The United States literally elected Donald Trump as president.
  12. Apple released iPhone 7 and 7 Plus.
  13. Prince died.
  14. Drake and Rihanna got together.
  15. Drake and Rihanna broke up.
  16. 49 people were killed at Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida.
  17. Drake #blessed us with Views.
  18. The Chicago Cubs won the baseball World Series
  19. Kylie Jenner launched Kylie Jenner Cosmetics
  20. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
  21. Ashley Graham was the first plus sized model on a Sport’s Illustrated cover
  22. Christina Grimmie was shot and killed in Florida
  23. James Charles was first male makeup model for Covergirl
  24. Hurricane Matthew struck Florida
  25. Lady Gaga gave us Joanne
  26. A toddler was eaten by an alligator in Florida
  27. Beloved gorilla Harambe was killed
  28. Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian had baby Dream
  29. Simone Biles ~killed~ the Rio Olympics
  30. Unemployment is at the lowest levels since the Recession
  31. Finding Dory
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