Heard on the Hill



  • *Student on the phone*: “Yes mom, I’m studying for my tests. Okay, I will talk to you later.”
    *Turns to friend beside him*: “So how much are you selling the Adderall for?
  • “All I remember is my flask hitting the concrete and that’s when I came to.”
  • “Whatever, I don’t give a shit about him anymore. I hope he dies alone with his stupid man bun.”
  • Girl: “How old do you have to be to sign up for farmersonly.com? I’m getting desperate for a formal date.”
  • “I said, ‘did you smell my armpits?’ They smell like margaritas.”
  • “I can’t wake up this early anymore.”
  • “Poets probably hate it when we interpret their poems wrong. They’re probably like, ‘stop interpreting my flowers as vaginas.’”
  • “I’m so confused. More and more everyday.”
  • “I was like, ‘I’m either going to punch him in the face or flick him.’ So I flicked him like seven or eight times.”
  • “I’m so poor I had scrambled eggs and wine for dinner last night.”