Extreme Midget Wrestling

9.12.2014

By Maddy Moloney

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I didn’t believe it either, with my face pressed against the car window as I rode shotgun past the Granada. The sign read “Extreme Midget Wrestling” Thursday, Sept. 11. I didn’t realize midgets could be extreme… or that they wrestled. Or that you are allowed to call them midgets. To the best of knowledge, I thought the term “midget” was derogatory, but I suppose “Extreme Little People Wrestling” doesn’t have quite the same effect.

My curiosity got the best of me, and I dragged along my partner in crime, Erica, to witness the spectacle.

We arrived at 7:15 p.m. to a short line in front of the Granada and paid a hefty $14 for general admission because the $20 ringside tickets were sold out. We wandered in and found a spot close to the stage, directly in front of the pint-sized wrestling ring.

The crowd seemed to hold a wide variety of patrons made up of herds of drunk fratstars all dressed in U.S.A. apparel, some drunk unimpressed hipsters and a couple sets of dads with their kids – because what better way to bond?

Eventually, 8 p.m. rolled around. This was the time the show was supposed to start, but the midget divas kept us all waiting until about 8:30. Naturally.

When the wrestlers finally did come out on stage, the crowd went wild. I can’t put my finger on it, but something about midgets wrestling really gets a drunk crowd going.

The first fight was between Mike Hawk, a feisty little guy with a mohawk, and The Rookie, who had hair down past his shoulders, with the referee being called the Little Pecker Head who donned a Nacho Libre-style mask.

Once the fight started, all the doubts I had vanished. The wrestlers were good – and cheesy. You could clearly tell the moves were choreographed, but between that and the metal music, it only helped to hype up the crowd.

The first thing you should know is that midgets fight dirty. They weren’t even ten minutes in before Mike Hawk started bringing out weapons. There were metal chains, shopping carts and a small step latter that the wrestlers used to help beat the shit out of each other.

The second thing you should know is that midget wrestlers love to talk about their penises. There were plenty of obscene hand gestures, and at one point, the crowd started chanting “Little Penis.”

The next round starred Fabio, who looked like a cross between Fabio and Tim Riggins, and the Little Pecker Head. The fight was close, but Fabio ended up coming out on top.

The final round involved a two-versus-one match, with the winners of the past two rounds fighting the previous champ, Canada. To say the fight was intense would be an understatement. About halfway through, all the other previous wrestlers joined the stage to start wailing on one another.

After about half an hour of fighting, one by one the wrestlers bowed out until The Rookie defeated Canada to win the title belt.

After the round, the wrestlers came out on stage to thank everyone for coming and then promptly brought the night full circle by closing the show yelling, “Now let’s get drunk!”

 

Edited and photographed by Hannah Swank

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