Entries Tagged as 'Sex and Relationships'

Let’s Get Ready To Bumble

9.27.2017

Words and photos by Sam Blaufuss

Created in 2012 and exploding onto the media scene in 2015, the app known as Tinder revolutionized online dating by simplifying things down to a swipe of the finger. Its massive success (a tad greater than my personal success with it, but we’ll get to that) led to a multitude of copycat apps, including Bumble.

The details of Bumble’s creation set itself apart from its online dating competition. Its founder Whitney Wolfe was a co-founder of Tinder that left the company in 2012 following sexual assault charges she filed against other Tinder co-founders. Bumble is unique in that it fully shifts its controls over to the woman after a match — if both parties swipe right, the woman has 24 hours to initiate a conversation, or else the match disappears forever (in the event you match with someone of the same sex, this rule doesn’t apply.)

“In every situation, women are making the first move,” said Briauna Jurgensmeyer, KU’s Bumble Campus Ambassador.

Bumble is also not just limited to being an online dating app. Since its creation, the app has introduced a friend-finding feature, and an in-app professional networking platform is in the works. Riley Messina, another campus representative for Bumble, said that “Bumble is the Facebook for people you don’t know yet.”

These unconventional features may sound enticing to women considering the app, but for men like myself, Bumble may as well just be called Yellow Tinder.

I was initially excited as I read through about the way Bumble works. As a guy, so much is dependent on your opening message on Tinder. To have the pressure of that potential sweetheart not digging your carefully crafted name-related pun lifted off your shoulders sounded like a pretty great reason to download the app. As it turned out, doing less work doesn’t always pay.

In my experience, the problem with Bumble isn’t at all that women are afraid to message first; it’s that you hardly get any matches in the first place. Dating apps are all based on first impressions, and usually the first impression I get with women on Bumble is that they’re more than one year into college, have actual jobs, and might be seeking out a healthy relationship with someone that has their life together. Since this description does not fit me whatsoever, I feel like it may contribute to the desert that is my match queue. I’m sure there are other reasons for why my matches aren’t popping (upon completing this article I actually noticed that my profile stated that I’m still in high school, so there’s that.) Those are a few of the problems I noticed that are not nearly as common on Tinder, where I generally do okay.

Bumble’s purpose from what I can tell is to act as a version of Tinder where ladies don’t have to worry about their matches immediately sliding in unsettling and overtly sexual comments, and I fully respect that ideal. However, it has definitely led to much less interaction for me (maybe for the best). My only advice for any guys planning on putting their Bumble profiles together are this: Bumble is not the same playground as Tinder; you’ll have to behave a bit differently. Basically, if you make an overtly unsettling sexual comment, make sure it’s really solid.

Bumble Improves Women’s Self-Esteem

By Rebekah Swank

Although I am a little afraid of being judged, I’ll say it: I love Bumble.

I used to be an on-again-off-again Tinder user for several years. While studying abroad in Germany, I downloaded Tinder to learn more German slang. It worked pretty well, and I continued to use it every now and then when I came back to the U.S., but mostly for just for a good laugh. It was extremely entertaining; looking at all the kooks, weirdos and d-bags who put their best photos on an app to be seen by hundreds was a great way to make myself feel a little bit better about my own life. I matched with a few guys, chatted with a couple of them, but nothing ever came of it.

Tinder quickly became boring by the beginning of this school year. A friend told me about Bumble. “Oh yeah, the dudes are way hotter on Bumble,” she said. So I created an account and started swiping.

As much as I feel like an asshole for saying this, my friend was right. I didn’t run into nearly as many “I’m a practicing magician” bios, or photos of jabronis in flip flops and fedoras. Most of the men on Bumble seemed like real people I would run into on campus or around Lawrence.

However, the chatting aspect of Bumble still intimidated me. I am definitely not someone who initiates conversations with men whom I find attractive—not while I’m sober, anyway. The thought of typing out a flirty message and sending it off for another human to see was terrifying, but I did it. And I began doing it over and over again with each new connection I made. Eventually the sting of an ignored message faded, and I was able to simply have fun talking to new people.

Friends of mine who have used the app agree that women initiating contact is a nice change of pace.

“I think it’s interesting that the girls are the ones who have to message first because it forces you to put yourself out there and be confident,” my roommate said.

Since using Bumble, I have become much better at approaching others—men and women. I don’t have as much fear of rejection, and I have gotten more comfortable with being myself around people I don’t know. I’ve met several really nice guys through Bumble. I encourage women to try it out, even if they aren’t looking for a relationship or a hook up.

A Man’s Rights

7.27.2017

By Logan Gossett

 

After losing a house, two jobs and $16,000 in court expenses, Phil – whose name has been changed to protect his anonymity – humbly received his ambitious reward: his son, for five hours, once a month.

        Five days ago he paid a monthly fee of $600 still owed from the home’s mortgage, a fee he will continue to pay until 2027 when his son will be 15 years old. Phil now pays more in child support than he earns from unemployment checks.

“My son was about four inches taller when I finally got to see him,” Phil said. “His mom told him not to tell me what his favorite color is, but I think it’s green. She also told him not to tell me his favorite superhero, but he let that one slip: Batman,” he said. He just hopes to be a close second one day.

Men’s rights advocacy was partly catalyzed by stories like Phil’s. Through forums like MensActivism, A Voice for Men and Reddit’s Men’s Rights board, men’s rights advocacy attempts to provide support and resources for fathers with similar struggles. However, their outreach is inhibited by their designation as misogynist hate groups by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). The SPLC describes the men’s rights movement as “savaging feminists,” and cites the website manboobz.com as a useful watchdog of the men’s rights movement.

Male mortality rates paint the grisly picture that illustrates the story behind the men’s rights movement.

Advocates see that men are five times more likely to commit suicide than women; that men are twenty times more likely to die in the workplace; that men are four times more likely to be the victims of homicide. Men’s rights advocates see disproportionate workplace deaths and question the existence of disproportionate privilege.

Annie McBride, Assistant Director for the Emily Taylor Center for Women & Gender Equity, suggests that male privilege is not an easily measurable commodity.

“Privileges are things that [men] were born into, not that they’ve had to earn,” she said. “The ability to, as a white person, walk around department stores and not feel people’s eyes on you and be followed. I didn’t do anything to earn that privilege. It was just something I was born into.”

McBride agreed that male mortality and men’s mental well-being is concerning. She argued that toxic masculinity stigmatizes the male pursuit of mental health treatment, something feminism seeks to rectify.

Many scholars believe that the men’s rights movement is simply a backlash to feminism and the progress it has attained for women. Megan Williams, Program Coordinator for the Emily Taylor Center, agreed.

“[Men’s rights advocates] use the language of civil rights to undercut actual inequity,” she said. “It’s really just a reflection of men who are seeing their privilege challenged; seeing the entitlement that they’ve had challenged and thinking that that is oppression or discrimination.”

Men and indebted fathers struggle to reconcile their alarmingly higher rates of experiencing homelessness and being victims of homicide as challenged privileges. Men posting on MensActivism and A Voice for Men often resist the implication that the right to a home and life are privileges to be challenged.

Like McBride, Williams viewed feminism as a solution for the issues central to men’s rights advocates.

“If we’re talking about liberation of men, then that is a feminist project. If we’re talking about a real men’s rights movement, it’s feminism,” Williams said. 

The most urgent men’s rights topic for fathers, however, is the low likelihood of fathers being granted primary guardian custody of their child after a divorce. Custody is six times more likely to be obtained by the mother.

Phil doesn’t identify as an advocate for men’s rights or women’s rights: just a father, if only for five hours a month.

Phil was deployed to work on oil rigs for nine months per year. After four months of working rigs in Saudi Arabian waters, he returned to his home in the deep south to find it empty.

“Everything was gone. Furniture, TVs, kitchen stuff — you name it, it was gone,” Phil said. But, while furniture is replaceable, family is not.

“My heart sank when I knew what she did. All I thought of for months was seeing my wife and kid; maybe watching a movie or something,” Nease said. “Now I don’t even have a TV.”

Phil was the sole working parent while married. While he was on oil rigs, his wife was at home serving as their son’s primary caregiver. According to KU Law Associate Professor Melanie DeRousse, parental roles like those held by Phil and his ex-wife while married limit the outcomes of custody battles.

“Most of the time moms are doing that primary caregiving. The judge wants to maintain that stability for the kids so the kid has access to that attached parent. They’re going to maintain some of that gender disparity that was existing in the relationship into their orders. They’re looking at what will not disrupt the kid’s lives, not some parent’s rights,” DeRousse said.

If the mother serves as the child’s primary caregiver while the father is only parenting during the weekends, the judge will grant joint custody with the father having the kid for the weekend, while the mother maintains the child during the week. Extended periods away from his son while working hurt Phil’s chances of attaining equal joint custody.

Melanie DeRousse said that, while some judges may assume that the kid is better off with his/her mother, “more often than not you have the parties trying to figure out what form of joint custody is going to work for the kid.” DeRousse added that, “Most psychologists would agree with the legislature: joint custody is preferred for the kid.”

As traditional gender roles continue to undergo egalitarian permutations, fathers will begin to attain equal joint custody more frequently. Male mortality rates and mental health still present an issue, however, and men’s rights advocates and feminists view their respective movements as the optimal solution.

A Voice for Men founder Paul Elam argues that feminists preach equality while pursuing favoritism. Annie McBride, Megan Williams and most self-identified feminists disagree, instead viewing feminism as a potential solution for men’s rights issues and equity for all genders.

Both men’s rights advocates and feminists will continue to pursue their ideal of gender equity. Both men’s rights advocates and feminists will continue to provide assistance to men or women suffering through mental illnesses or unforgiving workplaces.

Meanwhile, Phil will be eagerly anticipating his next visitation with his son.

“[My son] likes the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so I bought him some action figures and Ninja Turtle shirts — stuff like that. Hopefully he likes them; I just wanna see him happy.”

 

Dating on A Dime

3.31.2016

By Cale Johnson

It’s Friday afternoon and Dustin Patterson has had a long week. He’s spent the last five days working on his capstone geography project, but his week of thinking isn’t over yet. Now he has to figure out where he’s going to take his girlfriend, Tati out this weekend.

Dustin and Tati are both students at the University of Kansas and both cry a little on the inside whenever they look at their bank accounts. They do, however, love each other and commit to going out for a date at least every couple weeks.

Whether it’s a first date with somebody you’re getting to know or a date with a partner you’ve been with for years, having quality together time is essential in a relationship. For college students who generally lack money and resources, that can certainly be a challenge.

“I think there’s a perspective that in order to have a good time you have to be willing to spend a lot of money,” says Elizabeth McWhorter, a relationship therapist in Olathe, Kansas.

Kids that have grown up through the digital age have probably learned a lot about dating from things like reality tv, which aren’t realistic, especially financially, she added.

If you’re willing to be creative there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dating inexpensively. In reality, efforts made this way will be more charming, genuine and likely to go a lot further on the thoughtfulness scale than throwing down a large amount of dough.

Creativity doesn’t come easy to everyone, so here is a list of date ideas at different price levels from KU students.

IMG_0393

Double date with dogsFree – Alexa Barton  
On this date you and your partner simply head down to the local humane society and spend some time together playing with dogs that could use some love too. All you need to do is ask to volunteer and the staff will let you take the dogs out to walk or play fetch.

“Whenever my boyfriend and I do this together it’s good one-on-one time and we’re always in a good mood because of the dogs,” Barton says.

dating on a dime2

Spin the compass$30 – Adam Long  
You and your date hop in the car and start driving, when you get to an intersection or exit you spin a needle and depending on where it points that’s where you have to go. To limit gas money, four to five spins is usually enough to get you somewhere interesting. Once you get to your random location go to dinner at the nearest place you see.

dating on a dime3
Baking/cooking contest$30-40 – Ben Larmer  
Go out and buy ingredients for something you’ve never made before. Thenboth you and your partner make the same dish. When you each get done making it, mark the bottom of the plates and then mix them up so you don’t know whose is whose and decide which was better, then check afterward and eat them together.

dating on a dime

Arcade Olympics$40-50 – Marc DeJesus  
Head down to the nearest arcade and choose 10-15 different games. You and your date then compete against each other and come up with a prize for whoever wins the majority of them. The prize can be anything, like who gets to decide what movie to go to that night. If there isn’t an arcade nearby, you can do that date by playing various board games.

“It’s a good time if you’re a competitive couple,” says DeJesus.

Photography by Cale Johnson

It Never Goes Away: Sexting Outlets Lack Security

10.21.2015

image2

By Logan Schlossberg

Ashlee, a student at the University of Kansas, was sending a nude photo of her entire body via Snapchat to her boyfriend while he was out of town. She accidentally put the photo on her “Snapchat Story” which is a public photo and video collage that disappears in 24 hours. The photo was up for about 15 minutes until she realized her mistake and deleted it.

“I was mortified to say the least,” she says.

According to a study by the University of Rhode Island, almost all college students are sexting.

“I don’t think sending nude photos is a new phenomena but the technology we have today makes this ability easier and unfortunately some of the technology can give you a delusion of safety,” says Jonathan Peters, journalism professor at KU. “You just aren’t as safe as you think you are.”

When a nude photo is sent through Snapchat or even an iMessage/SMS text message, that photo is archived somewhere. According to Peters, with Snapchat it is saved on a server, and through text messages it is saved somewhere within your phone carrier. So when you think your photo disappears on Snapchat, it really does not.

image1

“I think it’s really common for a college kid to think their risqué picture is actually disappearing when they send it to someone on Snapchat,” says Theresa Murphy, a senior from Kansas City. “This is why I don’t send nude pictures. It seems too risky.”

Cell phones are not the only technological devices to worry about when it comes to nude pictures. Cyber security is not as secure as one might think. Now that we have things like iCloud and Dropbox, nude photos can be saved into hard drives on computers that people do not even know about.

“Say you took a nude video or photo on your MacBookPro and you want to delete it off of your computer,” Peters says. “That video still exists on your hard drive even when you drag it to ‘trash’ and then click ‘clear trash’. When you delete, the file itself doesn’t go away until you overwrite that same file up to 30 to 40 times with a different file.”

With safety issues in the technological aspect of sexting, experts find that, in terms of sexual health, there is no correlation between risky sexual behavior and sexting. It can, however, become a problem if your nude photos are leaked. This is where getting a job could become harder if potential employers see or find out about the photos.

Even issues with mental health can come into play.

Taking a photo for yourself or for your partner is done intentionally, with you setting the parameters for how that photo or photos are going to be used,” Jenny McKee, health educator at the University of Kansas, says.  “When those photos are in the wrong hands, it can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety.  It can also cause a great deal of shame and self-blame.”

image2-2

Bottom line: college students probably aren’t going to stop sexting. If you choose to do so, consider the following:
-Do not put your face in the photo
-Omit added features on your body like tattoos or piercings
-Do not take the photo with a background that is recognizable
-Make sure you are sending the photo to the correct person

Photos by Abby Liudahl

Married before graduation: trends, fears, and successes

4.21.2015

By Katie Gilbaugh

Wedding 2

Two 15-year-olds sneak out of their homes at midnight to meet at a park in Derby, Kansas. They talk until 3 a.m., but the boy can only replay his script over and over in his head until he finally blurts it out. “Do you want to go out with me?” She smiles and says, “yes.”

Four years later, the couple, now college students, decides to spend their Christmas gift money on a trip to Houston, Texas. They are wandering in a nature center and notice a wide, open clearing. The boy asks to take a picture, and once again nervously plays his script over and over in his head. As the camera shutter snaps, he gets down on his knee and finally blurts it out. “Will you marry me?” Again, she smiles and says, “yes.”

Seniors Trevor Prater and Aurora Yager have been married for eight months, but have been together for nearly six years. They don’t give off the vibe of a young married couple. They don’t hold hands and touch each other incessantly. The only sign that they are married are the rings on their hands and their eye contact. It seems as if every time either one of them spoke or told a story, they looked lovingly at each other.

“I think that maybe some people want to get married young, but I think with us that wasn’t the case,” Prater said. “It’s just because we happened to meet each other so early that we ended up getting married.”

Saying “yes” to dating as a 15-year-old isn’t unusual, but sending out wedding invitations before senior year of college is something of a rarity. Prater and Yager, both 21 years old, are unusual, especially when compared to the average marrying age in the US. In 2013, the average age that a man married was 29, for a woman, 26.

According to a 2014 survey by the Pew Research Center, just 26 percent of people ages 18-32 are married. This statistic follows the declining trend of young people choosing marriage. In 1997, 36 percent of 18–32-year-olds were married; in 1980, it was 48 percent.

Dr. Randy Moredock says there’s a consistent trend of couples reaching their senior year and struggling to make a decision about whether to continue in the committed relationship. Moredock has experience with college students, having worked as a counselor at Brockport State College of New York for 25 years. He is now working as a therapist in Lawrence. He is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and has counseled couples of every age.

“I think a lot of people don’t think about it in terms of a focused activity—a ‘love will conquer all’ type of thing,” Moredock said. “I’m a die-hard romantic myself, I’ll be honest, but love does not conquer all. It gets pretty lonely if you haven’t seen your significant other in a month or something like that.”

So what’s causing the decline in marriage rates since the 1960s? Moredock has a few theories—first that the high divorce rate is instilling a fear of marriage in younger generations.

“They may come from a family history of multiple divorces so there are a lot of factors impeding on them to get married,” Moredock said.

Maybe it’s not a lack of desire to be married, but rather a lack of finances. Sixty-nine percent of unmarried milennials said they’d like to get married; they’re just waiting for economic stability before making the leap to lifelong monogamy.

Moredock’s second theory is focused on how the function of marriage has changed.

“I think it comes down to, that the role expectation has changed so much over the years,” Dr. Moredock said. “There is no longer an expectation that the wife will move for the husband’s career and so there’s a lot of great stuff going on. I see it as ultimately a positive but it can be a real stressor.”

In 2013, an economist and MIT grad student published a report that says the economic value of marriage for women has been reduced. Because more women are getting an education, making money and exercising control over fertility choices, they simply don’t need the economic support of a husband.

Yager’s only mention of difficulty in marrying young was when she discussed their careers. Yager, a social welfare major, is applying for grad schools while Prater, a chemical engineer, begins working in Kansas City.

“That is something hard when you’re in a serious relationship with someone, because it’s like, how do we make this work?” Yager said. “How do we support ourselves while getting our immediate goals done? It’s a little more complicated in planning, but it works out.”

Kathy and Mark Schulte faced a similar complication when they got married in 1986. Kathy had just finished her junior year at the University of Kansas and Mark was three years older, already graduated, and working in Kansas City.

IMG_2785

“It just made sense for us,” Kathy Schulte said. “I never doubted the decision for a minute. It’s not like we were rushed into it; for our situation it made a lot of sense. A lot of it was plain: we wanted to be together, and if we weren’t married then we weren’t together.”

In August they celebrated their 28th wedding anniversary.

She remembers having to switch colleges for a semester her senior year because of her husband’s job. She then transferred back to KU, then moved to Wichita and finished her degree in personnel administration as a guest student at WSU. For any couple wanting to get married while in college, Schulte strongly believes in the importance of finishing school.

“Marriage should be a partnership and I want my kids to feel like an equal partner in the marriage,” she said. “If they would choose to get married in college, I want them to feel confident in themselves and feel confident in their ability to provide for themselves and their families.”

Whether getting married in 2014 or 1986, both couples and Moredock emphasized the importance of communication. However, Kathy Schulte put it best.

“I think the best gift you can give your kids is a successful marriage so you have to make sure you’re still talking, still communicating and that you don’t grow apart,” Schulte said. “If you’re expecting every day, every year to be wonderful that’s just not realistic. There will be times when your spouse annoys the hell out of you, but you have to have that staying power, remember that you’re not perfect either, and have that gumption.”

For myself and for many unmarried college seniors, the thought of marriage is one that can instill annoyance and even fear. However, couples like Mark and Kathy or Aurora and Trevor might just be the examples the pessimistic Gen-X needs when approaching marriage.

“You’re rolling the dice at this point,” Dr. Moredock said. “You like this person and fit well with this person, do you want to change the course of your life to be with this person? It’s pretty spooky.”

    Older Entries »