5 Dirty Little Life Hacks you Wish you Learned at Orientation

10.19.2018

Photo by Logan Gossett. Modeled by Karsan Turner

Words by Karsan Turner

Every freshman’s first semester at KU is daunting. You signed up for every interesting club at KU during Hawk Week, but now you have to figure out how you’re going to fit a Quidditch match, rock climbing and rowing practice into the same day. You also think Watson’s the only library and that Anschutz is a Holocaust Museum — it happens to the best of us.

You’re paying top dollar to sit in those creaky desks, so you’re going to want to take advantage of everything KU has to offer. To help you achieve this, here are some dirty little secrets that will help you maximize your first semester.

  1. Learn Proper Dorm Etiquette

Did you know…?
a) The floor in the bathroom is meant for walking on and not puking on?

b) Using Axe body spray to mask the smell of weed in your dorm room makes your room smell like Axe body spray and weed?

c) Not everyone on your floor is majoring in “Being Loud as Crap at 1:00 A.M.” studies?

  1. You Can Cuss

That’s right! You’re no longer under the tyranny of Mommy and Daddy, so watching your language is off the roster. KU loves freedom of speech! Your friends cuss, your professors cuss, hell, even I cuss! In high school, you’d get in trouble for saying “piss,” but in college, “piss” comes out of our mouths more than it comes out of our pee-pees. Swear on, sailor!

  1.  The Underground Exists

Now that we know college is cool for cursers, it’s good to know they have a hip hidden cafe. I fucking went my whole goddamn first semester at KU not knowing about this place. I wasted so many trips to Oliver “Shit-Hole” Hall to microwave my reliable three-course meal of oatmeal, mac-n-cheese and a granola bar. Once I knew about this place I shit my pants because the Underground only has one bathroom stall.

  1. Learn to Walk

This grinds my fucking gears, man. I can’t tell you how many students I dodge walking to class who walk on the left side of the sidewalk. You wouldn’t drive into oncoming people, so don’t do it on the sidewalk with your fucking feet.

  1. You’re not Sponsored by KU, Stop Dressing Like It

This is past infuriating: it’s just sad. In college, you’re the hottest you’ll ever be, and you’re going to waste this window of hotness hoping your first Tinder hookup’s gonna take you back to his/her place and rip off your Jawhawk buddy system tee? And throw away your drawstring sports backpack, what are you going for a hike? Stop wearing athletic shorts — you’re not my Dad doing yard work. Wear non-cargo shorts or jeans like a fucking adult. Stop wearing graphic tees every day. If you’re wearing tees, keep it simple. And don’t even get me started on KU attire at KU. Okay, you got me started: STOP WEARING KU SHIT AT KU. WHAT FUCKING SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO? IS IT KU? I COULDN’T TELL BECAUSE YOU’RE ONLY AT KU WITH YOUR FUCKING KU SHIRT, SHORTS AND CRIMSON AND BLUE LANYARD FUUUUUUUUUCCCKK — excuse me.

Send a presidential alert to your family and tell them not to get you anything KU related, or, if they do, just give it to the trash can.

So there you have it, 5 tips for every KU freshman. If you follow these tips you will succeed in (a) not throwing up on the floor, (b) walking, and (c) dressing yourself.

 

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