By Logan Gossett
It doesn’t matter if you’re politically left-wing, right-wing, or libertarian-wing: everyone uses the restroom-thing. The census opinion is that restrooms are at least a “lawful neutral” on the alignment chart.
Restrooms are especially useful for KU students, and the most useful restrooms on campus can be found at the KU Memorial Union.
“What makes the KU Memorial Union’s restrooms so great?”, you might have asked (If you did, good question! That sense of childlike wonder will take you a long way.)
Here are just a few reasons why the KU Memorial Union provides the best restroom experience on campus.
- They Force You To Get Creative: Who hasn’t experienced this? You go to your nearest restroom to purge your tumultuous intestines and ALL of the stalls are occupied. At KU’s Memorial Union, the men’s fourth floor restroom supports four poopers at once — not a whole lot! Now you have to think outside of the stall. One creative idea for men is to employ the urinal. Clean your no-no area by angling your bumhole upward toward the espousing water that fountains down when you flush the urinal, like using a bidet at a 220 degree incline.
- The KU Memorial Union’s Single-Ply Toilet Paper Prevents Disease: Premium toilet paper is soothing and comfortable, which presents the temptation to rub it on your face after wiping. Gross! The KU Memorial Union mitigates this temptation by using single-ply toilet paper, which is harrowingly painful to the touch.
- The KU Memorial Union’s Single-Ply Toilet Paper Makes For A Neat DIY Snapchat Filter: Do you find Snapchat’s current filter lineup to be tiresome? Spice things up by draping a sheet of single-ply toilet paper over the camera lens before taking a stall selfie! The sheer, almost transparent toilet paper presents a charming sheen that’s sure to impress your friends (or lover). This filter appeals to the purists, and pays homage to the filters used by your ancestors.
- The KU Memorial Union’s Single-Ply Toilet Paper Can Lead to the Early Prevention of Prostate Cancer: For the men on campus, single-ply toilet paper presents a convenient way to inadvertently check your prostate. When the 10% opacity sheet of single-ply toilet paper you’re using inevitably breaks, your finger will poke through and reach your prostate. While this may seem like an unwelcome mess for some folks, the reassurance of examining your unsuspecting prostate makes it well worth it!
- Pre-Wiping: Some students don’t want to roll the dice just for it to yield four occupied stalls. A few considerate, innovative students have began “pre-wiping,” whether it be at home or during a slow day in class. This cost-effective tactic, inspired by the Memorial Union’s single-ply toilet paper, saves scarce toilet time and keeps your hands away from your messy dookie parts!
- The 5th Floor Restrooms Promote Community Bonding: The KU Memorial Union’s 5th floor restrooms have long been one of KU’s hidden gems. Upon entering the men’s room, you can opt for the left side or the right side stalls/urinals/sinks. Upon securing a stall, you join a communal experience that rivals a KU basketball game or viewing a movie’s midnight release. You and your fellow left or right side companions duel against the opposing side in a battle of bumhole bombast.
“I walked into the 5th floor stalls scared and alone, but I left with one thought: ‘This is where I belong,’” said one junior at KU. “That’s really what attending KU is all about.”
- Impressively Responsive Automatic Soap Dispensers: Similar to cooking and copulation, the worst part about visiting a restroom is the cleanup period. Fortunately, the KU Memorial Union’s soap dispensers are highly responsive and eager to assist you in the cleanup. Oftentimes these eager soap squirters volley soap toward you more uproariously and unexpectedly than an uncle’s sneeze! Their read-distance is approximately 10 feet — perfect for expediting the dreaded hand-washing phase of a restroom safari.
- It’s Entirely Possible That the Narrow 4th Floor Restroom Doorways Are a Good Thing Somehow: Sure, the narrow corridor leading to the Memorial Union’s easternmost 4th floor restrooms can make for some uncomfortably intimate contact with fellow restroom users. But pressing your body against the wall to make room for people entering the restroom doesn’t have to be all bad. Sometimes it’s only some bad! Studies have probably shown that close-quarters doorways have an off-chance of having some sort of somewhat positive social effect or something. Who knows, really?
- Automatic Flushing: While automatically flushing toilets are common on KU’s campus, the Memorial Union’s toilets are especially adept at the art.
“I was just sitting on the toilet browsing Reddit,” a freshman at KU said. “When all of a sudden the waste I emitted was gone. A little splashback was left on my [bottom], but that was okay. I like to think of it as a souvenir. (laughs to the point of tears, which was kind of unsettling).”
The Memorial Union’s Restrooms Are a Safe Place: Nothing’s worse than entering a stall only to be assaulted by stall art, which often includes profanity! Yikes!
Once again, KU’s Memorial Union leads the charge to provide an accommodating environment for students of all majors, sexual orientations, and ethnicities. The beaded and glossy texture of the Memorial Union’s stalls prevents monsters from scribbling anything offensive.
Restrooms are supposed to be a bastion of cleanliness. Desecrating the place where people void their bowels with hate speech is wrong. The last place vandals should target is the restroom — where the bacteria-laden refuse of the human body is expunged. How can people possibly excrete the foul fumes of one’s intestines with disgusting images on the walls?